tremble and tear

insanity is defined as doing the same thing but expecting different results.
but they say change is always inevitable.
and despite not looking, not thinking, and not wanting to admit, but
i have no control over anything.
except to maintain my own sanity.
and that is fucking impossible.

hello pot, i am a black kettle.

i will not chase something that isnt even there
but i will believe in things i cannot see on the basis of faith and trust in the fact that is has worked for people before me.

jesus can still fuck me, though.

the light that casts out the darkness.

i used to find straight women completely useless and people my age and younger intolerable. today i have relationships with both and am kind of happy i do. i used to think making it into the rooms just meant there would be more people at my funeral whenever i killed myself. i used to be proud that no one loved me. a lot has changed. and i think i just now realized that it did. things have changed. not everything. im perfectly imperfect and i get to work on myself. or at least thats what im told and clearly my thinking gets me nowhere but insanity. and most of the things i stressed over ten years ago dont seem like problems today. thank god im a little patient and didnt leave before the miracle happened.

the middle. it just takes some time.

its pretty funny how it works.
i was helping someone that ended up helping me. i guess something is always there as long as im open and willing to accept it. and i can intellectualize the concepts and get it and then not really get it. and the older i get the more wounded i see the other people around me and realize we might not be that different after all. and i have to remind myself that not all interactions i have with the world are going to result in loving relationships but it just takes a couple successes to make it all worthwhile. and even though i try to tell myself that it never works out and its not worth putting myself out there because getting hurt causes too much pain. i just have to open my eyes and see all the people in my life that do love me. im going to attempt to continue to grow.

i dont mean to sound cold, but im really trying to stick to my new campaign: i dont have time for people who dont have time for me.

the denial paradox

the complexities of life.

showing up is half the battle.
im really fucking trying, but im not perfect. and even though i know being perfect isnt even possible i still try and then fail miserably.

i am really trying.

i am trying to do things differently because what ive been doing hasnt worked for me in the past.

i am really trying, but its fucking hard, and everytime i have relive some kind of trauma that even slightly resembles that past i seem to convince myself that IT (life) will always be the same.

and then i have to tell myself that i have a choice whether i want things to be different or not. nothing changes if nothing fucking changes. and while it might feel the same when the same lame things happen i can choose to do something else. but then theres that fine line that i need to examine when things are flukes and i really shouldnt take things so personally because life happens. i know this. i am the last person you need to explain this too. im sure no one means to do me wrong. im sure no one means to hurt me, but they do. i dont really get how i can intellectually understand simple concepts and still not get it. like if my case were terminally unique or something.

i set the deadline of valentines day to finish my book and im not going to make it. and to make matters worse i have this countdown widget on my phone not only telling me this but also making me painfully aware that valentines day is a week away. with everything that i do have written, i guess i can admit that each year this fake holiday seems to be better. but at the same time i can literally document one year, two years, three years ago and feel like im the same spot. am i? i am doing things differently in this progress not perfection types of way, but change isnt happening fast enough for me.

lets face it. nothing changes if nothing fucking changes.

compliment quotations.

i hope you are working on your issues kk.

i wish we could be normal friends and talk about normal things.

here comes the sun

law and order may be on hiatus but they sure as hell were in my neighborhood. i took waffles out at 7 and there were 5 cop cars and one unmarked car blocking the street. a few minutes later a whole lot of police officers came from the apartment two doors down. unfortunately la times doesnt update the crime map on a regular basis. do i live in the ghetto? i dont know.

two more improv classes left. last monday i made a school shootings joke and i didnt participate in the singathon game. i cant stop laughing.

i have a sponsee.

life is pretty damn good.

my living room is clean.

i went to an awesome meditation event.

i am exercising my creative muscle on a daily basis.

i have friends that tell me they love me.