going to bed happy

i love to laugh. hands down its my favorite hobby. always to the point that i cant stop and i start crying.

it takes away from the heavy shit of life. the spinning of me feeling like its my role to be a transitional yet reliable and constant object. i probably should have said person. but life does this. inevitably people grow/outgrow, change, move, couple, work and their life gets different. its less about the initial abadonment issues i think i have, because usually this kind of situation is ideal for me too. and id like to think i could control. say. do. give. figure out exactly what they need to make them a constant in my life. but that would be me having a huge ego. it is as much a relationship of convenience for them as it is for me, because of my own fears and incapabilities, but that doesnt mean it makes it any less painful to grieve the loss of a constant. life isnt. people shouldnt define me. i feel like i need to work more out. i am getting better. i am making progress. i think i want things to be different.
in this world i feel like i might not be able to depend on all of the people in all of my life but i have a choice. i can be the person that can be depended on. if i can ever get out of my own selfishness, i can be the light that casts out the dark.

but laughing makes things feel less heavy.