the brick wall.

i love reading craigslist missed connections. yes for partially selfish romanticized ideas thinking that someone might have written about me. but i admit i read it all. well mostly just the straight men writing to women. i dont know if this is healthy or not. i know as an addict, i am attracted to other sex and love addicts. hopefully its just okay to really appreciate the simple sweetness of seeing someone you dont know, having however brief of an interaction but truly feeling deeply connected to them. again as an addict who is a feel good right now junkie, maybe its not the healthiest for love at first sight and falling in love with someone you dont really now. that has been a major pain throughout that patterns of the relationships in my life because inherently i have a broken picker. while the movies and the books make love at first sight so romantic and white knight saving, i guess i have to look at my own issues of picking someone, know nothing about them, put them on an incredibly high pedastal and have ridiculously high expectations for them and when inevitable dissapointment leads to rejection and devastation and coming to the conclusion that im not good enough or that its because i am (blank). and ten times out of five i make it about my weight. i am rejected because im an ugly fat slob which leads me to eating my sadness through various forms of carbohydrates. and i stay fat. and the cycle continues. thank god ive been around long enough to know that things can change. things have changed and things will change. but nothing changes if nothing changes. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and hopeless and depressed. if it means doing five different things hitting this fucking malady from five different angles so be it. but then i run into the problem of being overcommitted overworked trying to overachieve and then as a result burn out and do nothing. i wish i had a balance.