the denial paradox

the complexities of life.

showing up is half the battle.
im really fucking trying, but im not perfect. and even though i know being perfect isnt even possible i still try and then fail miserably.

i am really trying.

i am trying to do things differently because what ive been doing hasnt worked for me in the past.

i am really trying, but its fucking hard, and everytime i have relive some kind of trauma that even slightly resembles that past i seem to convince myself that IT (life) will always be the same.

and then i have to tell myself that i have a choice whether i want things to be different or not. nothing changes if nothing fucking changes. and while it might feel the same when the same lame things happen i can choose to do something else. but then theres that fine line that i need to examine when things are flukes and i really shouldnt take things so personally because life happens. i know this. i am the last person you need to explain this too. im sure no one means to do me wrong. im sure no one means to hurt me, but they do. i dont really get how i can intellectually understand simple concepts and still not get it. like if my case were terminally unique or something.

i set the deadline of valentines day to finish my book and im not going to make it. and to make matters worse i have this countdown widget on my phone not only telling me this but also making me painfully aware that valentines day is a week away. with everything that i do have written, i guess i can admit that each year this fake holiday seems to be better. but at the same time i can literally document one year, two years, three years ago and feel like im the same spot. am i? i am doing things differently in this progress not perfection types of way, but change isnt happening fast enough for me.

lets face it. nothing changes if nothing fucking changes.