The Sakaiatrist's Couch

tremble and tear

2011-09-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

insanity is defined as doing the same thing but expecting different results.
but they say change is always inevitable.
and despite not looking, not thinking, and not wanting to admit, but
i have no control over anything.
except to maintain my own sanity.
and that is fucking impossible.

hello pot, i am a black kettle.

2011-02-23T21:27:00.001-08:00

i will not chase something that isnt even there
but i will believe in things i cannot see on the basis of faith and trust in the fact that is has worked for people before me.

jesus can still fuck me, though.

the light that casts out the darkness.

2011-02-16T19:07:00.001-08:00

i used to find straight women completely useless and people my age and younger intolerable. today i have relationships with both and am kind of happy i do. i used to think making it into the rooms just meant there would be more people at my funeral whenever i killed myself. i used to be proud that no one loved me. a lot has changed. and i think i just now realized that it did. things have changed. not everything. im perfectly imperfect and i get to work on myself. or at least thats what im told and clearly my thinking gets me nowhere but insanity. and most of the things i stressed over ten years ago dont seem like problems today. thank god im a little patient and didnt leave before the miracle happened.

the middle. it just takes some time.

2011-02-10T11:06:00.001-08:00

its pretty funny how it works.
i was helping someone that ended up helping me. i guess something is always there as long as im open and willing to accept it. and i can intellectualize the concepts and get it and then not really get it. and the older i get the more wounded i see the other people around me and realize we might not be that different after all. and i have to remind myself that not all interactions i have with the world are going to result in loving relationships but it just takes a couple successes to make it all worthwhile. and even though i try to tell myself that it never works out and its not worth putting myself out there because getting hurt causes too much pain. i just have to open my eyes and see all the people in my life that do love me. im going to attempt to continue to grow.

i dont mean to sound cold, but im really trying to stick to my new campaign: i dont have time for people who dont have time for me.

the denial paradox

2011-02-07T13:53:00.001-08:00

the complexities of life.

showing up is half the battle.
im really fucking trying, but im not perfect. and even though i know being perfect isnt even possible i still try and then fail miserably.

i am really trying.

i am trying to do things differently because what ive been doing hasnt worked for me in the past.

i am really trying, but its fucking hard, and everytime i have relive some kind of trauma that even slightly resembles that past i seem to convince myself that IT (life) will always be the same.

and then i have to tell myself that i have a choice whether i want things to be different or not. nothing changes if nothing fucking changes. and while it might feel the same when the same lame things happen i can choose to do something else. but then theres that fine line that i need to examine when things are flukes and i really shouldnt take things so personally because life happens. i know this. i am the last person you need to explain this too. im sure no one means to do me wrong. im sure no one means to hurt me, but they do. i dont really get how i can intellectually understand simple concepts and still not get it. like if my case were terminally unique or something.

i set the deadline of valentines day to finish my book and im not going to make it. and to make matters worse i have this countdown widget on my phone not only telling me this but also making me painfully aware that valentines day is a week away. with everything that i do have written, i guess i can admit that each year this fake holiday seems to be better. but at the same time i can literally document one year, two years, three years ago and feel like im the same spot. am i? i am doing things differently in this progress not perfection types of way, but change isnt happening fast enough for me.

lets face it. nothing changes if nothing fucking changes.

compliment quotations.

2011-02-01T14:52:00.001-08:00

i hope you are working on your issues kk.

i wish we could be normal friends and talk about normal things.

here comes the sun

2011-01-26T20:22:00.001-08:00

law and order may be on hiatus but they sure as hell were in my neighborhood. i took waffles out at 7 and there were 5 cop cars and one unmarked car blocking the street. a few minutes later a whole lot of police officers came from the apartment two doors down. unfortunately la times doesnt update the crime map on a regular basis. do i live in the ghetto? i dont know.

two more improv classes left. last monday i made a school shootings joke and i didnt participate in the singathon game. i cant stop laughing.

i have a sponsee.

life is pretty damn good.

my living room is clean.

i went to an awesome meditation event.

i am exercising my creative muscle on a daily basis.

i have friends that tell me they love me.

the brick wall.

2011-01-16T21:07:00.001-08:00

i love reading craigslist missed connections. yes for partially selfish romanticized ideas thinking that someone might have written about me. but i admit i read it all. well mostly just the straight men writing to women. i dont know if this is healthy or not. i know as an addict, i am attracted to other sex and love addicts. hopefully its just okay to really appreciate the simple sweetness of seeing someone you dont know, having however brief of an interaction but truly feeling deeply connected to them. again as an addict who is a feel good right now junkie, maybe its not the healthiest for love at first sight and falling in love with someone you dont really now. that has been a major pain throughout that patterns of the relationships in my life because inherently i have a broken picker. while the movies and the books make love at first sight so romantic and white knight saving, i guess i have to look at my own issues of picking someone, know nothing about them, put them on an incredibly high pedastal and have ridiculously high expectations for them and when inevitable dissapointment leads to rejection and devastation and coming to the conclusion that im not good enough or that its because i am (blank). and ten times out of five i make it about my weight. i am rejected because im an ugly fat slob which leads me to eating my sadness through various forms of carbohydrates. and i stay fat. and the cycle continues. thank god ive been around long enough to know that things can change. things have changed and things will change. but nothing changes if nothing changes. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and hopeless and depressed. if it means doing five different things hitting this fucking malady from five different angles so be it. but then i run into the problem of being overcommitted overworked trying to overachieve and then as a result burn out and do nothing. i wish i had a balance.

the lesson in pain

2011-01-15T15:01:00.001-08:00

what really defines a person as an artist?

no matter what the medium, id like to think that whatever art i create is a form of self expression that connects emotionally with another person. so is my desire to be more artistic just a primal instinct to be more connected and assertive with the world. probably.

im reading this book that has really put things into perspective. thats not to say i still wont make the same mistake that ive made in the past, but not only am i aware of my pattern a lot quicker but im also to associate and attach it some kind of traumatic dysfunctional childhood experience. i am relooking at things and attempting to make sense of things i really didnt think were all that significant. there are still major gaps in the timeline of my life and it feels like there are major pieces im missing or am in denial about.

i am willing to look at it, though, and i am willing to attempt to do things differently because i have a small piece of hope that things can be.

and its kind of annoying that wherever i go, the answer seems to be acceptance, grattitude and spirituality. so despite hearing things for the millionth time, i still seem to forget and struggle with all three principles.

for the most part. last year sucked. but theres really nowhere to go but up in the new year.

i wish every day was friday.

reconnecting in 54321...

2011-01-10T09:00:00.001-08:00

my spiritual practice is back in a major way, just at the right time before i got lost in the insanity of life. its funny how everything comes and goes and eventually comes back again, but ten times out of ten, whatever or whoever im experiencing at the moment seems like it should or will last forever. but things come and go and if we're ready for it, it'll come back again.

i havent been writing on this blog, but i guess i can say ive been writing. im going to try to make this a daily thing, where i get to work ten minutes early and listen to music and blog from my phone.

so far this new year in this new decade doesnt seem like anything different marked by major significant changes, but i can already see minor differences. suddenly everything has changed but in certain ways everything has remained the same.

its nine o clock. time to go into the office and face the day.

almost there.

2010-12-24T18:56:00.001-08:00

i am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

what did u want to be when u grew up?

2010-11-14T20:21:00.001-08:00

watching the mark twain prize celebrating tina fey.

there are few celebrities i idolize. tina fey and margaret cho are the top two. funny beautiful and not a size zero, these are women i aspire to be. before self esteem and pre adolescene and the cruelty of teenage girls, when i was in elementary school, i went to this summer school called college for kids that took place at the community college. kids took two classes. i always took acting. but i thought i sucked so i dont think i ever wanted to seriously pursue acting, but i did like performing. one year we did some play where i played one of the main lawyers and i had such a great time i told myself i wanted to be a lawyer because that seemed like acting, just more well paid and a lot more respected. my favorite show at the time was matlock. i told my best friend at the time that i wanted to be a lawyer when i grew up and she pretty much told me that i shouldnt because i was horrible at arguing. that conversation killed that dream. when i was ten, my grandparents put a tv in my bedroom, so my favorite shows were jerry springer and snl. so began my love affair with insomnia, transsexuals and the dream of growing up and becoming a writer of snl. this was back when snl was funny by the way.

i held on to that dream for a long time but didnt really tell anyone because whenever i did tell anyone of my career aspirations they would tell me what a horrible idea that was.

in college, i was high and told my roommate about my big dreams and he said "well maybe not snl. maybe mad tv." ugh biggest insult of my life.

but yeah. tina fey is my hero.

she gives me hope that i can at least put in an effort to try to aspire for greatness.

going to bed happy

2010-11-03T22:59:00.001-07:00

i love to laugh. hands down its my favorite hobby. always to the point that i cant stop and i start crying.

it takes away from the heavy shit of life. the spinning of me feeling like its my role to be a transitional yet reliable and constant object. i probably should have said person. but life does this. inevitably people grow/outgrow, change, move, couple, work and their life gets different. its less about the initial abadonment issues i think i have, because usually this kind of situation is ideal for me too. and id like to think i could control. say. do. give. figure out exactly what they need to make them a constant in my life. but that would be me having a huge ego. it is as much a relationship of convenience for them as it is for me, because of my own fears and incapabilities, but that doesnt mean it makes it any less painful to grieve the loss of a constant. life isnt. people shouldnt define me. i feel like i need to work more out. i am getting better. i am making progress. i think i want things to be different.
in this world i feel like i might not be able to depend on all of the people in all of my life but i have a choice. i can be the person that can be depended on. if i can ever get out of my own selfishness, i can be the light that casts out the dark.

but laughing makes things feel less heavy.

to the guy in the orange hoodie.

2010-11-02T23:41:00.001-07:00

five minutes. probably even less.
a guy on a red motorcycle wearing an orange hoodie zipped in front of me and start zig zagging between lanes. five minutes. probably even less. i drive past four cars stopped in the right lane and i see the red motorcycle and the guy in the orange hoodie on the freeway pavement. his body is beyond disorted in shape. his back is exposed and i could see major cuts and theres blood and broken glass everywhere. i drive by, because it literally just happened and now all the traffic is behind me.

and all im thinking about is that i saw him lying there in a pool of blood and glass shards as i drive off hoping whoever it was, was going to be okay. he wasnt. thats life. and death before 9am on my commute to work.

ive never seen a scene like that before.
five minutes. probably less. things changed. could have changed. will change.

at 1p and after some internet sleuthing, i found an article that the motorcycle rider on the orange hoodie was dead upon arrival to the hospital.

saturday

2010-10-31T16:13:00.001-07:00

the rally to restore sanity.
a nap.
psychology today.
hawaiian breakfast.
soup plantation with my friends.
diet coke.
waffley woofs.
soup plantation binge.

its the little things in life that get me through this.

hi my name is marla singer. i am xy and z.

2010-10-25T19:49:00.001-07:00

i think i have mild form of tourettes. and sciatica. i probably spelled both of those wrong. instead of calling myself crazy i choose to go with flamboyantly eccentric. i struggle. how do stop from trying to be perfect even when you know no one could possibly be perfect. thank god i live in la and theres a twelve step group for everything. thank god. being this fucked up is a hobby. but apparently im not that fucked up. but if im not judging you, then im judging me. why do i think about these things?

the answer is cappuccino

2010-10-21T21:06:00.001-07:00

its weird. it seems like im constantly fealing with people sicker than me, more awkward than me, more depressed than me. sure im in this weird pms hell and feel like i dont have my shit together. im stressed from work. im contemplating the meaning of life. my life. your life. law and order life. i have some seriously good intentions, but i hear that doesnt mean much if you dont take action. my neighbors are so fucking loud. i was mailed diet pills for the people who lived here before me. im up. im down. im fast. im slow. ive made progress. i am not perfect. what is the world coming to? who am i? today i spent the last part of my day writing about if good housekeeping was a jelly belly flavor which one would they be and why? i live to be creative but not fucking useless. why are my neighbors so fucking loud? can i call the cops? theyre not going to come anyway.

sirens serende me in the background.

2010-10-18T20:46:00.001-07:00

why are my neighbors so god damn loud?
why does it seem like someones always yelling.
what happened to the good old days when i first moved in and i couldnt take a nap because someone was blasting a song with a dude rapping about sucking 100 dicks. was he threatening or boasting? will i ever find out?

the sentences update

2010-10-18T18:30:00.001-07:00

you have no idea how much this hurts me to say this...

but i think law and order svu has jumped the shark.

in other news, lola is pretty awesome.

i might get a cat.

im getting another tattoo.

im a seven time winner.

im going to be writing more.

i have awesome friends.

a professional organizer friend is going to come to my apartment.

im going to volunteer for the trevor project.

for halloween im either going to be a really chic clan member or a fashion forward fred flinstone.

slaa

2010-10-09T21:56:00.001-07:00

i am in love with paul s.

name it. claim it. tame it.

2010-10-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

i have serious psychological issues and fear of intimacy.

im addicted to doing nothing.

2010-09-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

fear fear fear fear fear fear.
self centered fear.

it was super hot two days ago, and now it's raining. someone on facebook predicted that a major earthquake is coming, so tomorrow, im going to buy a ridiculous amount of dog food, water, and canned food, because thats what i do.

i think the earth is dying. and i think im doing nothing about it but selling pages in a magazine to people who tell people that they arent good enough, unless they have and they buy x.y. and z. i feel like a crazy homeless person ranting. i think im the only one in the office recycles, and i still feel like i kill more trees then are planted.im having serious wtf moments throughout the day. but today i got a raise for good merit or something, so im probably not going anywhere. am i a hypocrite? i came home, and saw someone posted a newsstory about a freshman in college who jumped off a bridge and killed himself because his roommate set up a webcam in their dorm and streamed the kids private life all over the web, because he thought being gay was a spectacle. a couple of friends on facebook posted that a stand up comic overdosed.

i think i find pockets of good and sanity and people like me, or at least people who feel pain like me, although have different ways to get through it. i was pretty down last week. but i feel better, but i cant say im happy with whats going on with everyone. but im powerless over people places and things.

my oneitis is back.

ive lost my go to buddies, but it always seems like when one door shuts, another window opens. i just dont know why my best friends seem to be middle aged jewish men. oh thats right, because i feel like i secretly am one. or at least i can really relate to them. i spoke tuesday. did i mention that? i felt like i was shitty, but people were really nice and said it was good to hear my story. ugh. public speaking.

god that poor gay kid that killed himself really broke my heart. life is hard. kids are mean.

i need to do something.

the world is going crazy.

GLOW

2010-09-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

cops stuck in the sand
a spiritual skateboarder
and this too shall pass

its prom season at work

2010-09-23T16:36:00.001-07:00

i dont believe in that full moon nonsense, but im definitely off. i am having a lot of wtf / quarter life crisis moments trying to find the meaning of my life. i just feel like recently ive been disconnected. there have been moments where i feel okay. but a majority of the time its been depression and feeling alone. and somehow making up bullshit in my head that its something within me that is making me end up being by myself.

i just feel like a majority of things have been contributing to the slump. and i think i know what to do, but i dont feel like doing them.

and im scrambling. oneitis is everywhere. im in a panic that i have one shot and if i fuck whatever it is up that im going to ruin things forever.

im on microwaveable intimacy mode. where i will do anything. say anything. be anything to be connected. and unfortunately im picking the wrong people.

i feel like i have a lot to do. but i want to take a break from it all and plug in x y or z to make me feel better.

but its just microwavable intimacy and eventually it gets cold again.

my head spins into negative thinking.

we're all wounded.

2010-09-20T17:53:00.001-07:00

i feel better today, because i have the worlds greatest friends.

and oneitis

being an afterthought.

2010-09-19T19:39:00.001-07:00

i dont know if its pms. less sunlight or what, but i hate myself.

dvr completes me

2010-09-16T20:29:00.001-07:00

this morning when i was taking waffles out, this guy drove by and pulled over to tell me i was gorgeous and asked if i was married. apparently i have a boyfriend.

i dont get it. i have major self esteem issues. i dont think im beautiful at all.

yesterday i went to a show called mortified and real people read their real childhood artifacts. for a second i thought i wanted to go in for an interview to perform something because i have tons of writing. then i remembered how nervous i get public speaking in front of people i dont know. i am the opposite of a performer.

oh yeah, plus i was reading back on my old diary from 18-24 and wow. theres really nothing funny about what i was writing about. i was mean crazy annoying judgemental self victimizing angry and depressed. when i was 20, i wrote that i planned on commiting suicide by the time i was 25. it was really sad to read. i guess i forgot how bad things were and how sick i was. i am grateful for how much ive changed and how better things are. damn. i cant believe i got through that.

if you dont want to date. dont be on a dating site.

2010-09-09T16:36:00.001-07:00

okay, i fucking get it. most people have intimacy problems. we are all fucked up from our childhood, no matter what our parents did. i totally get it. i am in love with unemotionally unavailable guys because im emotionally unavailable. i swear it's gotten better though. now that i think about it, i dont know if i honestly can say that.

i dont know. i want to date. i think i may want to be in a relationship if im fucking capable of it and if its with the right person. unfortunately, i still have a bad picker. i think i mentioned this new ism called oneitis that my friend diagnosed me having. i have it for sure. i constantly fall in love with people i dont know on a regular basis.

but my oneitis is different from thirty year old oneitis. sure i fall "in love" but its not with some ultimate goal to marry them, because im still not sold on that. i dont know how many times i have to come up with the same realization. when i say i fall in love, yes i put them on an incredibly high pedastal but the whole idea of love is this constant distant yearning of feeling like this person is so great that i would never be worthy of them.

the fact that i know this about myself is probably proof that i shouldnt be dating, because im going on dates with probably really stable nice guys who would be good for me and i run away to the fantasy world of loving some guy that i not only dont talk to, but dont know and is emotionally unavailable.

id say i look forward to my thirties but all of my friends are already there and are dealing with the same shit. will this ever end? what am i supposed to do?

do i really need internet at home?

2010-09-07T00:27:00.001-07:00

transitions. stress. major changes make way for something totally different that more than likely im ambivalent about. living alone. love it. suddenly feeling like its my space and maybe i dont want to show people what my space is about. its that me setting a healthy boundary or just justifying a term of self imposed isolation. still no internet, but my old best friend tv has welcomed me back with open arms. already its too late. like sitting through the episodes of hoarders thinking it would inspire me to clean and get rid of more stuff i dont need. yet while every fucking thing around me seems to be changing, im making some choice to physically hold on to things i dont need. i guess metaphorically, too.

with everything going on, i really havent been feeling good, but im losing weight, so the stupid, vain part of me is willing to feel miserable, if im hitting my goal to lose weight.

this is where it goes down a different path of how im fucked up.

we all want to be loved. we specifically want to be loved by one person that we think hes the one. my friend says i have "oneitis" where i meet a guy once and am suddenly in love with them. heres the twist. the one is someONE that im not really thinking for forever, because im still not convinced love lives that long. to me, finding the one, means finding some emotionally unavailable guy who i feel like has no interest in me and that hopeless yearning of feeling so inadequate like someone like that could never love someonel like me makes him the one. unfortunately, this never works out.

why does happen? apparently im emotionally unavailable myself with real problems and trust about intimacy. yet somehow, i get into these limited intimacy friendships with guys and dont really have to deal with the core issue
.

and then signals get mixed.

i dont know what the hell im doing or what the hell i even want anymore.

this made my fucking day.

2010-08-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

between okcupid hypnotists, meditation cd. 3am angry showdowns and jack and the box, and fucking chaos, sometimes all we need is a little ambien walrus.

the solution is right all the time.

2010-08-04T20:06:00.001-07:00

it kind of sucks being at the point where im totally aware of my problems, continue to do the same shit and have to deal with the uncomfortable feels that follow. everything is a mixed bag.

its a fucking scam that i have to be miserable before i take action. i have though. definitely in a progress not perfection way. im trying though i really am. and im doing what im told because i want things to be different and i have the hope and the faith that they will be. so despite feeling intense justifiable rage underneath i am doing things differently. im working on forgiving myself.

newsflash

2010-08-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

i am wildly inappropriate, confusing, and emotionally unavailable.

i have control issues.

in the face of fear, i shut down.

i fall in love with people i dont know.

if its easier, i rather numb out and check out.

13th stepping

2010-07-31T20:47:00.001-07:00

i dont know if i wised up or if talking to my magical gay fairygodfather that does my hair did the trick. probably a little of both. and i dont know how honest im being with myself to vow to do things differently, but i think ive decided that im only going to date sober guys, because the whole me not drinking thing keeps becoming a problem. oh and to amend that statementl i guess i have to say that they have to at least have a year of sobriety, too. this narrows my pool down to a small little puddle on the side of the road. and in terms of online dating. forget it. its some cruel joke that okcupid keeps matching me up with this guy i dated a long time ago but dumped him because he was way to into me. good times.

light and bright

2010-07-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

for some reason, im not as freaked out as i was yesterday. oh yeah, because i have an entire emergency team that talks me off the ledge when i go there. what can i say? im a lucky girl.

i believe in karma. i believe in good. i believe in hope.

stalled

2010-07-28T14:00:00.001-07:00

i guess im not being honest with myself when i vow to never to do something again and i find myself in the exact same situation.

i want to just say no to emotionally unavailable guys. but hey. if you spot it you got it. my therapist has only said this to me once, but im emotionally unavailable due to my fear of intimacy. fuck really? i swear to god i still havent figured it out.

mad world

2010-07-28T13:31:00.001-07:00

i met this girl in high school that looked exactly like me. she went to the gardena buddhist temple. i only met her once, but it was one of the weirdest moments of my life. we just kept staring at each other trying to make sense of what the fuck was going on. she was like three inches shorter and was really good at playing basketball. anywho. i think i just found her on facebook. we dont look exactly the same but we do still look alike. kind of bizarre.

hopefully shell accept my friend request so i can see more pictures of her.

in other news, while everything in my life seems to be changing, i guess i have to be grateful where i do have moments where i feel okay. thats not to say that a second later i wont go completely apeshit crazy over something that is probably made up 100% in my head and is something i really have no control over, but really hang on to that shred of belief that thinks that if i figure it out and do the right thing that ill get what i want because essentially i am totally selfish. thank god i have friends to restore me to sanity.

time to dye my hair purple.

2010-07-27T16:11:00.001-07:00

"god is a concept by which we measure our pain."

i hate change. i hate chaos. i hate not knowing. i hate feeling alone.
but
we talk about tools. we talk about gifts. we talk about promises. we talk about miracles. we talk about principles.

i belong somewhere.

things are different.

and i can at least welcome that change.

if i cant save the world, ill at least save you and you.

2010-07-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

its weird how the same things happen in two different cities to two entirely different people. i guess they arent that different. and i guess what happened isnt that uncommon. life happens. and we can yell bullshit all we want.

im back to be confused about the world and about myself.

because i am seriously fucked up.

but apparently everyone is fucked up, and apparently, im not the most fucked up.

did i mention, i think im going into work tomorrow?

tonight im hanging out with my friends and were going to see the law and order art show, whee.

theres no point to this blog. why should there be?

post vaginal bleeding and the return of the internet. sanity is restored.

2010-07-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure if I cared so much as fitting in, as much as I cared about feeling like I belong. Even when I write that out, it looks weird. Did I even spell that right?

For a majority of the twenty seven (instinctively, I keep saying 26) years of existence, I felt like I was unimportant, and I didn’t matter, and there wasn’t really one place I belonged, unless it was hanging out with the other kids who also didn’t belong anywhere.

And for awhile I thought this “terminal uniqueness” meant a life of isolation, sprinkled with an occasional brief stint of company with some equally unique. Now, it seems like I’ve built an entire social empire on this.

But I still sometimes feel alone, even though realistically I know that I’m not.

And it’s the little things that make me feel secure in this world. And while I’m a creature of habit, and do the same thing all the time, because I like structure and routine, it seems like the world outside of my head remembers me being there at least. Like sandwich workers at Quiznos being happy to see me, and genuinely asking what I’ve been up to, because I haven’t been coming every Saturday Night, at the same time, ordering the same thing. And since the magical little French Café down the street from my apartment closed, I’ve been hitting up the Coffee Bean near work for my daily spiritual ritual of a Large Iced Americano. It’s great. It’s a system. I walk in, I wait in line, I open my mouth to say something, but the people that work there already rung me up, and they hand me my drink. Sure, I’m predictable. But for some reason, the fact that people remember me makes me feel like I belong a little more in the world. Things are secure enough to make me feel less insecure.

During my iPod Shuffle spiritual practice, two Death Cab for Cutie songs played within 10 minutes of each other. They were “Someday she will be loved.” And “the sound of settling.” And I got the message that I needed to hear.

That doesn't mean I still don't drive myself crazy over things that I have no control over, or convince myself that having xyz will make me feel xyz, and I still get scared and nervous and anxious and neurotic. But I think I'm okay right now.

And I'm not just saying that because I have places where I can go, where people are happy to see me, and where I feel that really foreign feeling of being like I've just come home or something. A lot of people from the past have come back into my life. From all different points in my life. I guess I can't really explain it, but it feels like people care about me. Like I matter. Like I belong somewhere. That I have value.

I dunno. It's just a nice feeling that I really haven't had much experience with.

I hate when "it" is right, though. I hate when the bumper sticker slogans are true. I hate when the cheesy stuff that my sponsor says that I roll my eyes at, but follow direction actually are the right action that I'm supposed to be taking.

I might not be getting exactly what I want right now, but I am getting everything I need.

at my desk on ocean park.

exhausted from being cultured

2010-07-18T20:06:00.001-07:00

did my one japanese american buddhist act of the year. stepped one foot at an obon stayed 5 minutes, regrouped at the mitsuwa marketplace food court instead, spent the rest of the day laughing at crazy japanese candy. im gonna have to defer to the bff blog for this one. stay tuned for awesomeness.

honda civic blog on packard.

tmi

2010-07-17T00:33:00.001-07:00

my period is two weeks late.
i thinks explains the anger, the mood swings and the overall batshit craziness. the super highs. the lows. the fatigue. the resentments. the pettiness. the self centeredness. and do i "get" to be grateful for all this. prob. im sure its on pg 88 of the big book. fml! but grateful for it at the same time. more ambivalence. hormones blogging now, at this point.

i buy my leather jackets at target.

2010-07-16T16:53:00.001-07:00

why does everything feel okay?

i wish i had internet because my phone at a really cool blog.

2010-07-15T23:57:00.001-07:00

life is confusing. i havent really gotten down the art of knowing exactly what im feeling. dont get me wrong. im a lot better at identifying them today, but it gets really confusing when my body and my mind are getting conflicting messages and identifying both fear and love. i thought they couldnt go exist. maybe im just jumping from one line over to the other. its weird though. usually my fear manifests in self hatred and low self esteem, but i actually feel angry to the point of being livid and "getting justice." luckily im going to bed with resentments but am going to talk to my sponsor first thing in the morning.

did anyone see what i jus

this is the part where i wrote some really self analytic shit, cynisms around apologies. nothing changes if nothing changes bull shit. but today i have a choice and back then i never thought i did.

and while this really has nothing to do with the post i will leave you with this deep thought:

apparently my pussy has been in charge all this time. im like dorothy in oz and instead of ruby slippers its my pussy and instead of glenda the good witch. its a rocker on glendale. look girls, fairytales do come true.

south pasadena isnt that far.

2010-07-13T22:37:00.001-07:00

i have been launched into the fourth dimension of officially being meeting drunk.

and my heart even skipped a beat.

the answer is always: yes, not now, or i have something better planned for you.

oh yeah. definitely meeting drunk.

turns out that i am alive afterall.

crazy how i didnt get what i want but got what i needed that exceeded all expectations.

who knows how ill feel tomorrow.

the family of understanding

2010-07-13T22:29:00.001-07:00

what is love?
i love my dog.
i love my friends.
i loved iced americanos.

but what is love?

i love reading craigslist missed connections. i love seeing someone desperately yearning for someone that for some reason is emotionally unavailable. this is what i think love is. i love how someone puts their love out in the universe and has the hopes that they find each other by fate and that things will have a happy ending. or at least be good in the moment. i guess that is all we can ask for.

apparently i cant fix a problem with a problem.

and someone holding me and telling me that everythings going to be okay isnt going to fill the hole inside of me either.

i get it now. its not like the past, because now i have a choice to do things differently.

i love that.

the family of understanding

2010-07-11T00:32:00.001-07:00

sg is right yet again

2010-07-08T18:04:00.001-07:00

god dammit.

after like less than two hours of shutting down my okc profile, on the ride home, i was kind of flooded with these feelings of self worth. i didnt know that im actually kind of smart and sometimes funny.

slowing taking away everything ive been plugging into myself to make me feel better. not even close to thinking about giving caffeine.

no tv. no internet. no online dating.
life
in a world thats constantly changing.

i am enough and i have enough.

six years later

2010-07-08T15:49:00.001-07:00

officially not on okc anymore.

only disabled.

let see how long this lasts.

what do i know?

2010-07-08T14:47:00.001-07:00

this is just one of those weeks where my bff and i want to shut down our okc profiles, because we can't take it anymore. usually whenever i say that someone else comes into the picture, but this time im serious. ive got more important things i need to deal with. the 90 in 90 is working out quite well.

and it seems like im doing the best i can to take care of myself, even though i need to be reminded and encouraged on a daily basis.

apparently, i might be going to obon this weekend. im still on the fence.

this whole living in the 1900s sucks, but i must say its doing wonders on my social life and recovery.

fuck those colonial times.

2010-07-07T17:17:00.001-07:00

how can i be sure?
in a world thats constantly changing.

me and my bff are living in the 1900s and it sucks.

due to my restless leg syndrome, i never feel the earthquakes. i just know they happen because facebook tells me so. about a hundred times.

good day LA

2010-07-04T00:19:00.001-07:00

first time at the pacific group.
uh, they sell perrier and diet coke at the break.
met someone and they want me to call them everyday starting tomorrow at 9a.
i love this shit.

tomorrow
guided meditation
bbq with my friends.
happy birthday america!

2.5 years on monday and totally stepping it up and turning it on. f is i.

independence sales.

2010-07-02T19:09:00.001-07:00

thank god for retail therapy.
forever 21 and their other stores. plus getting a new pair of shoes i always wear at payless were on sale.

grattitude

2010-07-02T00:04:00.001-07:00

rosa has been putting things she grateful for on her daily fb status updates. heres mine.

went to a really greet meeting
laughed with a friend
came up with two marketing ideas
able to be of service
operated at a 8.5?
have tomorrow and monday off.
just got paid.

my car is a very spiritual space. and right now, im okay. i am enough and i have enough.

another loss in the world haiku

2010-07-01T18:44:00.001-07:00

expresso routine.
save the world after one sip.
goodbye marilyn.

2.5 years

2010-06-29T19:22:00.001-07:00

im sitting in my car in front of cvs doing my little 123 spiritual ritual. the little spark of light inside of me suddenly got dim. partially due to the craziness that is the world, all the god shaped holes inside of all of us and that god damn thing called pms.

on sunday, i sat down with a friend and we agreed on operating at a ten, being of service and a third thing that ive already forgotten.

and despite loss, pain, fear. i really dont know what im feeling. am i feeling good because i enjoy feeling bad? am i a masochist? am i feeling good because im actually feeling the feelings? and while i really hate to admit that its true, lots of pain usually brings about great change that in the end makes my life a little better. all i can do now is do what i know works if i work it.

and after two and a half years, my little piece of progress is going to the bathroom at some church for a meeting and seeing a giant mountain of toilet paper, think about stealing some because we were almost out at home and then started feeling bad for wanting to steal from a church.

im really starting to see glimpses of how special i am. today i wrote an email to my friend with dating advice based on my first hand knowledge of crazy girl psychology and game theory.

no internet still haiku

2010-06-28T23:04:00.001-07:00

fear. my light is dim.
always reliving childhood.
my phone is dying

fast times

2010-06-27T19:16:00.001-07:00

its amazing how much things can change in a split second.

the no internet at home haiku

2010-06-27T01:25:00.001-07:00

history repeats
the benefit of the doubt
yes. i am enough.

im really happy for my friend s. (its about fucking time.) god, i really love the friends i have. this was such a great week.

amazing grace

2010-06-26T19:35:00.001-07:00

i dont know why.

i like to stare at people in their cars next to me and try to think about what their story might possibly be. and while its probably a little different than mine and that moment, we're both sitting at the red light thinking about something or someone else.

sometimes its a little scary to actually go out into the real world. i think thats why pot and reality tv became the loves of my life, because it was like i was still a part of the chaotic world all from the safety from my couch.

lately ive been out there, though. and it still a little scary, and sometimes the same things do happen. at first i thought they were happening because i didnt apparently learn the lesson, but last, probably the smartest 19 year old that ive ever met said, that in recovery, the same terrible things will probably happen. only instead of falling off a 12 story building, its more like falling out the window from the second floor, and one day eventually we'll just be falling a couple of steps.

she was totally right.

the today haiku

2010-06-21T22:04:00.001-07:00

now the longest day.
the pendulum swings back up.
i am an addict.

woke up in pain, going to sleep feeling good.
best monday ever.

woke up in pain, going to sleep

congrats, youre going to be infamous!

2010-06-16T18:46:00.001-07:00

got contacted from someone from the past. thought i was caught stalking his gf's flickr account, and explained that i was doing it because everyone wanted me to put faces to names from my love chapter of the book. i dont think hes too pleased that hes being written about, but out his own narcissistic pleasure wanted to read it, or at least get an except. sorry buddy, youre going to have to wait till its published.

love is love.

2010-06-16T15:20:00.001-07:00

people make fake profiles on okc to rage at me with generalized half truths that i am more than willing to own up to my part in it all.

saw mw last night, and all is right in the world again.

love is the light that drives out the darkness. without love there is fear.

from the blood on blood g's

2010-06-15T11:52:00.001-07:00

"wow. amazing."

"whoa, she's hardcore!! long live the g's"

"that is pretty damn cool."

"awesome...and sick at the same time."

"no way. that is rad."

im hardcore!

2010-06-15T11:13:00.001-07:00

i just made history as a g. first time ever!

loving it. bg is #1. f is i.

the sympathy period haiku

2010-06-14T16:37:00.001-07:00

big retardation.
suddenly not worth the time.
skating on thin ice.

here comes the sun!

2010-06-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

from zero to hero.

looking for the worst, and getting the best. not exactly what I'm looking for, but it's pretty amazing what some people have to give to the world.

and yes, i'm going to respond to all 100+ emails. Even if it takes me a month.

love my job(s).

you spot it you got it.

2010-06-13T00:21:00.001-07:00

a lot happened today.
i think im different, but everything is pretty much the same. sometimes i think im operating on an entirely different level, but im not. im out of touch with myself.

incomplete sentences

2010-06-08T22:19:00.001-07:00

tired. alone. lonely.
the disappearance act of a lifetime.
cryptic messages serve no purpose.
everyone in the world is stressed out.
and freaking out over 3.7 earthquakes.
please shut the hell up about mercury in retrograde.
going to take a real vacation.
getting down to the real issues.
non stop. always on.

not the same, but different.
me recovered? far from it.

cant feel the feelings.
im a feel good junkie.
its all the same.
opportunities to learn and change.
too much.
isolation please.
same song and dance routine.
return to childhood.

i still believe when nothing is safe.

the first of the feedback.

2010-06-03T13:51:00.001-07:00

i sent the chapter i wrote this month to five friends. my girl, erin just sent me a text that said the following.

"just finished your chapter. you are brilliant, funny, articulate and damn girl, its time for you to find a real man. i was glued to that chapter."

haha. my friends are awesome. thank god for my little cheerleading squad.

boredom stress me out

2010-06-01T16:42:00.001-07:00

there's a huge difference between doing nothing (and enjoying it) and being bored.

it's amazing how the world can seem so limitless and carefree and im happy, and then it goes back to being boring and depressing. this is life apparently, and i get to learn how to tolerate this, even though i think that i can plug something in to feel better. this, that and everything. after a weekend of fun, surrounded by friends who love me, suddenly i step into this state of "what is the meaning of my life?" when everything im currently doing seems meaningless, lifeless and pretty much soul-less. maybe the void in me is getting bigger, and while the answer seems to be of the spiritual nature, im still trying to maintain the illusion that i somehow hold the control. i need a vacation from everything. i need change. now. i need excitement and stimulation. i need to constantly be feeling it, even though that's not what life is about. i need a nap.

f is i.

2010-05-27T21:24:00.001-07:00

for may being the first month of being 27, words cant describe how great it feels, and what ive accomplished so far.

queen of rationalization

2010-05-19T21:11:00.001-07:00

on monday, i went to bed bath and beyond to get new sheets. $300 later and i had a new set of bedding, three throw pillows and makeup, because apparently i dont have enough. i justified spending all that money bc i rationalized that if i had cool swanky bedding that i would be more motivated to make my bed (because to be honest, i never do.)

the morning after the spree, i wake up and do not make my bed.

this week i decided to cut ties with all television and internet at home so i could be more productive and finish writing and maybe clean and do laundry. so far i've spent an hour being connected on my phone. i actually dont think i did any rationalizing and it was more like i'm an addict and said fuck it.

love and stimulation

2010-05-18T22:15:00.001-07:00

a few hours with otis funkmyer talking about the world set to a soundtrack of live music from little kids playing beatles songs. then was able to slip in to mar vista for a little time with the family. funny how allowing myself to feel sad and lonely really opened my life up to having good people around me and the result was love and stimulation.

doing nothing so well is a skill.

2010-05-16T20:15:00.001-07:00

i've been spending a lot of time by myself at the apartment this week. there are points of loneliness, but there are a lot of perks, too. like walking around in my nightgown, and just hanging around the quiet house and listen to music and write. today, i went to this euphoric state of bliss, listening to my ipod on the patio, in my favorite weather, not really worrying about how the coffee table seems to be some artistic expression of my personality and where i am at life right now. it's definitely a progress not perfection mix of taking care of myself, but not being a total adult about it. and while lately, i was in this weird "i turned 27 but im acting the way i did when i was 22." now, i feel like things are a little better. i went to trader joes and went fucking crazy and bought a carton of egg whites and like eight pieces of frozen fish. it was nice being a part of the real world but not really having to do anything. i even saw a member of my "family" and for some reason felt a little safer out there in the clusterfuck of trader joes on a sunday night.

the single girl haiku

2010-05-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

ten days and ten pounds.

stood up on saturday night.

hi law & order.

me, you and 2310.

2010-05-12T22:25:00.001-07:00

things are going well. i have friday off and if all goes well i have a lot of fun planned ahead. i think it might be coming eight years too late, but i know we're going to pick up right where we left off. i hate to admit that i put it out in the universe and it suddenly happened.

and thank you peter for the three dollar egg whites tonight. i think i'm high, now.

believing in yesterdays

2010-05-11T15:01:00.001-07:00

all in the name of having eyebrows, i am trying my best to write the love chapter of my memoir. it's weird, because due to some kind of permanent brain damage, the memories aren't really coming back. luckily, i have lots of wriHIGHting, especially when it came to boys. it's so weird looking back on stuff that happened five years ago. i was pretty aware what was going on and knew what i was doing but was so fucked didn't seem to really care. sound familiar? i will say one thing though. i am a lot less fucked up today. it's almost like reading about someone else's life. i remember certain feelings and the general big picture, but all these little things that happened in between each story totally blows my mind. one thing is clear, though. i have never been in love before. and all these stories in the chapter have really shaped me into who i am today, despite whatever notion at the time that i thought they hurt me or did nothing for me. finally going back to the past really puts things into perspective of where ive been, how far i've gone and the possibilities ahead of me. god dammit.

the true essence of insanity

2010-05-10T22:00:00.001-07:00

it's a real bitch to do something and know the reasons behind why i'm doing it. sometimes i pretend to be stupid and not know whats really going on, but sooner or later i'm faced with the truth. and apparently it's my choice to do things differently. it's hard though, because sometimes i really think everythings different, and then later down the road i figure out that it's the same story. apparently i'm doing a damn good job distracting myself. but now things i've probably heard a million times, i'm actually hearing. that doesn't mean i'm going to actually do it, though. thus, the true essence of insanity.

the yesterday haiku

2010-05-10T13:29:00.001-07:00

nothing on sunday.

doing nothing is something.

insert emoticon here.

the end.

the first update

2010-05-08T14:30:00.001-07:00

they say that the first week is when i'm going to lose the most amount of weight. well, in three days i lost five pounds. jesus christo.

today the doctor told me that this was going to be the easiest part. it was the entire life style change that was going to be difficult. i guess for some reason i thought i could eat shakes until i die. i even managed to go out to eat with my friends. whee!

on friday, i got free hair dye from an agency we work with, so now im off to dye my blonde streaks lavendar and pink.

i also managed to finish two of ten stories for the chapter i plan on finishing in may.

so far, may has been a really productive month. i can't wait to see what i can accomplish in the next few weeks.

This blog knows me better than my parents.

2010-05-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

http://fraudulentliving.blogspot.com/

its eerie how well they know me.

this is not me, i swear
http://fraudulentliving.blogspot.com/2009/07/your-instant-messaging-and-eventual.html

maybe not so much...

2010-05-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

7:00pm
Starving....

food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food sex food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food
food food food food food food food food food food food food food

really looking forward to the three fucking shakes i have left in the day.

yes, we can!

2010-05-05T13:43:00.001-07:00

yesterday, i woke up. i came to. to zzzzzzz's.

apparently, it's just not my thing, and i need to hear it from someone else before i reach the same conclusion. story of my life.

had a great weekend. friends. love. food.

yesterday, we had an event for work with more amazing food and people trying to force me to take pictures with "food network stars" that i could really care less about having a picture with. and photos? please...not at this weight. i also got to meet a lot of clients that i've emailed over the past years, but never met in real life. i was more star struck by them more than the talent. the best part? i'm getting four kits of the splat hair colors that i love for free. i can't wait. hello pink, blue and purple hair. whee.

happy cinco de mayo, yall. we celebrated it yesterday. so my cinco de mayo, my 5/5/10 marks a new beginning. of starving myself apparently. today is day one of the ucla weight loss program. in five minutes, i will be able to eat my third of eight shakes for the day. and that's fucking it. im actually not as hungry as i thought i would be.

i'm really trying to make this about my health and not trying to be all kate moss and telling myself that "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." i've told my friends about it, and one of them made me promise that if i lost the weight that i would still talk to him. he thinks i'm going to lose weight, become a suicide girl and only go to hipster meetings. fuck hipsters and fuck people who are trying to be cool.

so yeah. day one. shake three. peeing every 20 minutes, but am totally on board.

it's the small things...

2010-04-30T20:17:00.001-07:00

fridays and saturdays are my favorite days of the week. it usually means leaving early and the relief that i don't have to go to work the next. and tomorrow is the first of the month. major changes are coming, and i don't need to read my horoscope to know that. the week before my birthday i was feeling great. full of hope. yes we can type of feeling. then my birthday, again a lot of mixed bag emotions. some sadness. some feelings of being alone. pity party for one types of things, even though i spent the last two weeks of april buying myself gifts. something that has gotten me through the birthday blues are the mixed cds of my friends' favorite songs, the only gift i asked for. i love mixed tapes. i think its one of the most intimate things people can do each other. its like a private invitation to step into someone else's world and on some level experience the feelings of someone that you thought you knew but really didn't. maybe i'm reading into things too much.

ps. have i talked about how much i love being able to blog from my phone anywhere?

i know what i'm talking about. do you?

2010-04-29T14:00:00.001-07:00

one!
two!
three!
four!

i'm ready for may 1st...

it makes me feel something.

2010-04-28T21:34:00.001-07:00

this is the trap.

i think i've figured people out, but that means it usually fits into my cynical view on how things work in the world. i really believe the story that i create to convince myself what's really going on. Sure, there are moments of hope, where I really think things are going to be different, that I'm going to be wrong. But then the same things happen.

But despite it all, there's still a part of me that still holds on to the idea that things will be different.

f is i.

i got my third tattoo today. and i think i like pain.

one sided conversations

2010-04-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

i really don't talk all that much. maybe, because it's easier for me to write. especially here, people have a choice whether they want to hear what i want to say, and have the option to stop listening at any time. Not being much of a talker sometimes is mistaken for being shy. I really don't know if I am. I guess I'm just so used to people not listening, or grew up with the idea of not really saying anything of value, so I pretty much stopped talking. You'd be surprised how far that can get you in school. Do good work, not participate in class, be rewarded for being a good kid, never causing trouble. Sure, there were years of rebellious, fuck you, I have lots to say moments in school. Like the time in 11th grade where I got an A in academics, and a C in citizenship. I guess I should be grateful. My close friends got D's in citizenship. We terrorized that poor teacher. I'm definitely going to be making amends to her at some point, if I can find her.

The last two years, I've definitely gotten a lot better at speaking more.

But sometimes, I'm either the one listening, or I'm talking, and no ones listening.

unless I'm writing.

things are about to change though.

everything's changing.

it's a celebration, bitches

2010-04-26T00:00:00.001-07:00

happy birthday

now what?

2010-04-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

twenty three minutes till twenty seven years.

i'm not feeling the new beginnings jumpstart that i had a few days ago. I don't think I like my birthdays much. But tonight was pretty great. I really have some good friends who really love me. It's such a drastic change from three years ago. I have changed, even though deep down, I'm still the same. I guess every year on my birthday, I struggle with the feeling that I really don't know who I really am, what I really want, and what will ever happen. I really hate holidays and special dates. Well, actually I'm ambivalent about them. Just like everything else.

Instead of presents, I asked my friends to burn me a cd of their favorite songs, because a) I'm all about illegal music and b) I feel like it's a pretty intimate thing to share their favorites songs to someone. To me, it's like a real act of letting someone into something so personal. I'm not a musician, and I really don't know a lot about music, but there is something unexplainable about what certain songs do to me.

I read it on someone guy's profile that I cant quote verbatim, but he said he sometimes wish he could just crawl up inside of song.

I can dig that

eight more minutes till twenty seven years...

Last year, was 26 years on the 26th, and apparently thats called your golden year. So, while I was depressed that it was my birthday, I was also hoping and having high expectations that this was going to be a really great year. It sure wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, but a lot of really great things happened to me that I can't discount.

five minutes...

silence

two minutes.

now what?

it's time

friday night haiku

2010-04-24T01:30:00.001-07:00

a night of talent.

facebook chats during the show.

i got my mind fucked.

let me spell it out for you.

2010-04-22T21:59:00.001-07:00

let me preface by saying, i hate people who blog with nothing but song lyrics. it just seems so unoriginal.

however, this about sums it all up, though.

Meredith Brooks - Bitch

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

failure is impossible!

2010-04-22T19:01:00.001-07:00

went to a fancy ass lunch at katsuya today. we saw kfed and two chicks from the hills. i probably couldn't have cared less. i guess it was okay. but it was another reminder of how different i am from the people i work with. sometimes being different translates into feeling special. other times it feels like im defective. at least i have the joy of being able to publically feel sorry for myself all right from my phone. im looking forward to may, though. i've made a deal with someone to set a deadline for the end of may to finish a chapter in the novel i've stopped writing. i think it'll be the fire that will be lit under my ass. apparently, if either of us fail to finish, the punishment is that we have to shave our eyebrows and wont be allowed to pencil them in. im all in.

the attitude of grattitude

2010-04-21T19:58:00.001-07:00

as of saturday, i became one of those people who is addicted to their smartphones. i now have access to the android marketplace and texting became a whole lot sexier. who needs relationships when i have a fancy phone? and as of ten minutes ago, i have the ability to blog from my phone. more blogs to follow.

tomorrow, we're going to katsuya for lunch. on monday, i get the day off for my birthday and my boss is giving me a day at burke williams. and on sunday hopefully my friends are going to meet me for great thai food and THE thai elvis.

it's not always sunny in los angeles.

2010-04-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe I shouldn't joke about this, but I'm feeling bipolar. Like extreme ups and downs. Brief ups, and seemingly long lows.

I think caffeine has turned on me again, but I refuse to let it go. Maybe it's all about drinking coffee like a gentleman, in moderation.

There are times when I'm in the moment, but I'm still thinking ten steps ahead or like ten years behind me.

I need to know. But apparently, I don't.

Am I really moving forward? Or am I replaying the same scenario day after day? I really don't know.

But apparently, I don't need to know.

Wait. What the fuck, really?

Tomorrow, people who knew me from different points in my life are going to come together. At least, I hope worlds and time and space are going to collide. And it's confusing, exciting, and scary. Things are changing, and I don't know if it's good or bad.

I really need to know.

But apparently, I don't.

Figure it out for me. K. thx.

who's shrinking who?

2010-04-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

The newsflash is that I'm still crazy like a crazy fox.

After the jump
I over think things too much, too.

seriously folks.
it's a disease.

let's hope i don't fuck this up.

yesterday i was accused of being a serial dater.

measure a year.

2010-03-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

every time i walk out of the office, the air smells like mexican candy. don't get me wrong. i love mexican candy. it was a middle school staple for me. it's just not the pleasant smell of spring i expect.

speaking of staples. it's that wonderful time of year again where those delicious jewish crackers on sale at ralphs again. someone told me that they were like my version of seasonal peeps. it's true. my love for them actually started in college, where I was at the point where eating a no prepare time , all cracker diet seemed suitable. alls i remember is that i went to ralphs in some half ass attempt to get myself food. walked in like four feet to this giant display of jewish crackers and i bought 6 boxes of them. The checkout guy gave me a weird, baffled look, because that was about the only thing I bought. But damn, that was like a month full of deliciousness. Unfortunately, this year, I bought these Matzo stickers, that aren't as good as the bigger, regular ones. I hope I don't miss the train, when I go back to the store to buy them.

I got an invite to a seder, and I was honestly contemplating going, because I don't have anything planned for the weekend so far, and I figured seder was a loose translation to large, matzo cracker party. Fortunately, I was educated about this four hour long / question and answer ceremony with different kinds of food. my back up plan is to buy a cart full of matzos and sit around watching law & order svu, and in between commercial breaks ask myself questions for a philosophical, yet classy sakaiseder. ice cream would inevitably follow.

we had a party at our house this weekend. whee. it was actually a lot of fun, and a lot of people came. what a shock. It ended at some really late hour where I was half awake and half asleep, purposely la la la ing to tune a friend out. The last words out of my mouth where "so, youre going to a midget bar." to which, i'm not 100% sure was actually appropriate for that conversation or not, but it seemed like a good note to end on as I excused myself to bed.

i made myself dinner last night, and I think i ended up poisoning myself. I am the epitome of wifey material.

I might not have the greatest of self esteem, but I'm starting to think I have good taste in certain areas. Not dating. I hate to sound full of myself, but I have amazing powerpoint skills. The stuff I create makes women weep and men break out in fist fights. okay, maybe not so much. but pretty damn close.

still fighting the good fight, and ignoring the request to join my ten year high school reunion group on facebook. its half denial, half resentment, and of course, a whole lot of ambivalence.

oh jesus christ. my birthday is coming up.

hello michigan.

2010-03-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

What is reality? Is the real world really real life? I'm starting to think everything I experience is some kind of semi-staged drama for the masses to take in and laugh at the irony behind it all. But life as I know it is still good.

exciting and dull.

Why can't it always be exciting?

apparently real life isn't like this.

we'll see about that.

f is i haiku

2010-03-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

My life is awesome!
I've found what I'm looking for.
I must be dreaming.

... you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

confused. excited. high, in an all natural way.

far from perfect. still crazy as hell. but for the first time in my life, i'm starting to play around with the idea of accepting that being different makes me special.

and i could lose it all tomorrow, but it still wouldn't take away what an experience it was.

I must have totally lost my mind.

She Felt Small and Intimidated Next to Him

2010-03-13T20:20:00.001-08:00

http://ghostmedicinemusic.bandcamp.com/

My friend, Stefan made this really great song, (He Felt Small and Intimidated Next to Her), and I stole his brilliant idea of working with someone else to create a piece of art based on an interpretation of the song. This is the result:

There are 3.8 million people living in Los Angeles.

I really couldn’t tell you what small percentage of the population that I actually interact with on a day to day basis. And I wouldn’t count sharing the freeway lane as any type of real human connection. But that’s the truth. There are so many people in this town, but we’re all operating in our own isolated worlds that happen to be moving together at 5mph in traffic.

There are 3.8 million people living in Los Angeles, and on average, I’d say I fall in love with 3.8 people everyday. And by fall in love, I mean that old familiar longing for someone you happen to randomly bump into. Someone that you instantly idealize into the perfect person without even saying a word to them, but this love feels so intense. Then comes the constant mind fuck of: Did the universe create this exact moment of fate where I am meeting “the one?”

And I’m intoxicated with love and the chaos inside my mind going into overtime to think of something charming to say, but at that same moment, I’ve convinced myself that this guy will never be interested in someone like me, someone with so many flaws and imperfections. Look at them. Look at me. Maybe if we went to the same high school, someone like this might be nice enough to sign my yearbook at the end of the year and say something painfully tragic like “have a great summer,” but they would never fall in love with me.

And maybe, just maybe on that rare occasion where I reach inside myself to find the confidence to open my mouth and awkwardly say something, out of those 3.8 people, one of them might be nice enough to indulge me in some kind of five minute superficial dialogue about something trivial like the weather or ask how my day is going. It’s always the same outcome, though. Look at them. Look at me. Who the fuck am I kidding?

Then they’re gone. Before I could confess my undying love for them, or even show them 1/10th of who I really am, they’re gone, and I never see them again.

who knew? haiku

2010-03-13T17:02:00.000-08:00

today, it went well
bizarre words out of my mouth
making people laugh